Thursday, April 05, 2007

Writing Group Moderator Blues - Part Two

I had this idea today to create a Coffee Cup Rating System when reading applications for Morningside Writers Group. It'd be for my own sanity, but if an applicant inquired as to why a two-way personal interview wasn't granted, I'd surely oblige with the following.

Zero = reads well, no hiccups. However, there's something off-putting in your biography that the current group members couldn't resolve. We're at an impasse.

One = minor hiccups, had to re-read certain sections that were troubling on a first read. The current group members, while not elitist, want to read effortless fiction and screenplays. Please re-apply when you've achieved this feat.

Two cups = moderate hiccups, had to pour second cup, walk around and return to submission. Did you re-read your biography and submission before attaching and sending? We'll pass.

Three cups = major hiccups; wanted to find writer and smack across the head. How about applying for a job in civil service? Did you think that would pass for creativity?

Four cups = Needs severe revisions. Had to return to store for new canister of coffee, walk around the park, and return home and plant my ass in the seat. Please line your cat's litter box with all subsequent writing attempts.

I'd send the inquisitive writer a form letter with little coffee cup icons below the signature. The one side effect would be jittery nerves from too much Café Bustelo.

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